Грустная дата

Сегодня год, как не стало бабушки.

Когда мне позвонила мама с этим известием, я была на улице, мы что-то снимали. Был яркий сентябрьский день, светило солнце, я была в ярком платье, мы смеялись и шутили. И мне очень сложно было понять, еповерить в то, что говорит мама – “бабушки Жени уже нет”… она последнюю неделю или около того была в реанимации, мы знали, что надежды нет, мы понимали, что это вопрос времени…но все равно это было как обухом по голове.

Я помню, что долго плакала потом под пожарной лестницей. Плакала и заново понимала слово “никогда”. Это слово впервые прозвучало у меня в голове со всей отчетливостью за два месяца перед ее смертью. Бабушка уже несколько недель была в больнице, ей становилось хуже, и было ясно, что полностью восстановиться у нее уже не получится. Я тогда убирала, и нашла схему для вышиванки, которую мне обещала вышить бабушка. Меня накрыло со страшной силой, я в полной мере осознала, что вышиванки от бабушки у меня уже ни-ког-да не будет, и время с ней ушло безвозвратно.

Бабушка – это неотъемлемая и светлая часть моего детства. Я была для нее долгожданной отрадой после двух сыновей, поэтому мне она позволяла почти все (но не давала садиться ей на голову, каким-то образом ей удавалось соблюдать баланс). Мой папа даже иногда возмущался, почему мне разрешается то, что им ни в коем случае нельзя было делать :) у бабушки я могла есть сколько угодно сладкого, рыться во всех шкафах и читать допоздна. Мы пили с ней чай из самого парадного сервиза. Ей нравилось, что у меня хороший аппетит, и она всегда готовила мне то, чего больше всего хотелось в данный момент. Она так радовалась всем моим успехам, и суеверно старалась поменьше о них рассказывать.

В последний год жизни она освоила скайп, и мы с ней периодически переписывались (она очень тревожилась, разрешают ли мне писать в скайпе на работе). Было так приятно видеть, как она учится печатать, как осваивает смайлики и разбирается, где на клавиатуре находятся знаки препинания.

Она не дожила полгода до своей золотой свадьбы. Они с дедушкой не всегда жили душа в душу, но они так друг друга дополняли. Две половинки.

На поминках звучала фраза “мы привыкнем без нее”.  Я не знаю, как к этому можно привыкнуть, мне кажется, с этим можно только смириться.

Светлая память.

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